Marriage intimacy means different things to different people, but it usually includes three important elements – sexual connection, emotional connection and spiritual connection. Let’s focus on the sexual connection for now.
Can we really overcome sex problems in 5 easy steps? Maybe, if we start looking differently at the whole relationship. Instead of seeing each issue as a problem to be solved, try to see instead how it is a paradox to be managed.Togetherness and separateness, tenderness and eroticism, desire and fatigue are all parts of a complex tapestry of love and sex.
To be sure, a frustrated sex life is painful, even in a marriage that is otherwise thriving. Whether it is the pain of being rejected, the pain of never being pursued, the pain of mismatched desire, different desires, or the pain of having no desire – feeling “broken” sexually takes a huge toll on one’s self-image. It also takes a huge toll on the marriage itself. This is because we attach so many meanings to sex and our sexuality. A season in marriage of no sex feels like a drought in a barren land.
Oh, how I know the pain of sexual drought! For years I loved my husband, but I did not love his sex drive. My libido was non-existent, and knowing hubby was frustrated all the time made me feel like a failure. The encounters that were designed to bring pleasure and connection usually just brought tears and a fight.
For me, after years of pain, change came almost instantly in a specific breakthrough. I talk about how in a post called “If You’ve Ever Cried Over Low Sex Drive”.
The turnaround in my marriage, has made me passionate about helping other couples.
If you love your mate but the sex life is struggling, than here are six keys to explore for better marriage intimacy, sex, love and passion in your most sacred relationship:
STEP 1: FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOUR SELF
Part of the beauty of falling in love was seeing yourself through the eyes of someone who was crazy about you. Being loved and admired by another felt great. However, self-confidence is truly an inside job. Plus, you need closeness and distance to make passion come alive.
For sex to sizzle and for marriage to rock you must have a strong sense of your own identity. Knowing who you truly are, and loving that person in the mirror lets you bring your erotic energy to the marriage bed. When you choose to bring the best of yourself to the best in your mate, you both grow in passion and pleasure.
2. FEEL GOOD ABOUT SEX ITSELF
Many women confide to me that they somehow feel that sex is dirty or boring or even gross. Others, both men and women, are just exhausted and sexual activity seems like a lot of work.
Whatever the case, the good news is that becoming aware of our sexual beliefs and how we got them can give us the change to change them. It may be powerful to write down all your beliefs about sex, love and your body, and see if those beliefs still serve you. You can choose to believe that sex is a precious gift to be savored and celebrated.
You can choose to see it as a relief to stress and an aid to sleep. These beliefs will actually help your brain release more productive hormones.
3. FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOUR MATE
Nothing kills sex drive like a loss of attraction. Lost attraction is built through resentment, criticism and unforgiveness.
Maybe your mate has let themselves get frumpier over the years and they bear little resemblance to the person you fell in love with. That may seem unfair, but you can still become more attracted to your spouse just as they are right now. This often helps them return to the person they were designed to be.
Work on ways to look for what is great about your spouse.
4. GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR SENSES
Surprise – sexual intimacy is about shedding the stress and getting in touch with the present moment. It’s a sensuous experience, which means it involves your senses.
Learn to breathe deeply throughout the day and give your full presence to the moment at hand. Look for the sights, sounds, fragrances, flavors and sensations that are enjoyable. Tell yourself that you are looking forward to experiencing renewed passion in your love life.
5. TALK TO YOUR MATE ABOUT SEX AND YOUR DESIRES
I love it when people email to say that they’ve been reading my blog and listening to Sexy Marriage Radio with their spouse. That’s often an easy first step to opening up dialogue.
The important thing is to talk to your mate as if you are on the same team, and refuse to believe that your future will be dictated by your past. If I could change after so many frustrating years (nearly 14!) than I believe anything is possible.
Keep your focus on finding solutions and growing together.
Amazingly, we often find what we are looking for, when we least expect it – from the most unlikely places. Again, not every frustration points to a “problem” that needs to be solved, but rather more of a puzzle to be figured out. Love comes with paradoxes – seemingly unsolvable issues, that often can be managed for greater good.
So now I am curious. Where are you in this journey towards greater sexual intimacy in your marriage? I want to help you reach your desired destination.
Are you a higher-desire spouse who is frustrated over low quality or quantity sex in your marriage?
Are you a lower-desire spouse who wants to know how to recover your sexual vitality?
Maybe you just love, sex and marriage and enjoy hanging out with other people who do too.
Whatever the case, thank you so much for stopping by. The fact that you’ve read this far makes you very special to me.
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